My good friend Magic,

Even after last night, or maybe because of it, our relationship might be stronger than ever. I love you more now than I did the day we met. I was so young then and I saw what you could give me. Power. The power to make people look at me. The power to make them applaud me. The power over adults who had power over everything else. In that moment at least I could do something they couldn’t do or couldn’t understand. But that was a long time ago; twenty years ago, and things have changed.

Now, there are so many things you’ve given me I couldn’t have imagined. You’ve brought many people into my life that love you too. I’m not so greedy as to not want to share you.  I understand you have to have other lovers. I’m grateful. I wouldn’t want it any other way. When we began to dance, you and I, I knew that I was agreeing to a relationship with all of the others too. I wouldn’t know anything about you had it not been for the others. They’ve taught me. They’ve mentored me. They’ve answered my thoughtful questions and they’ve answered my dumb questions. They’ve shown me the path. And then they showed me another and another. Their generosity is why I was even at the event last night at all. It’s why I know how to do the whole thing. The bag I brought, the one I bought at the antique shop in Owego, is filled with stuff that does nothing on its own. The ‘42 Walking Liberty. New deck of bikes. The glass. The handkerchief. The envelope. The smaller bag. The leather case from my friend in Chicago. But the other lovers, they showed me how to make them sing. How to take that little pile of stuff and reveal you, magic. And last night, after I put on my tuxedo, checked the email one more time to be sure it really did say black tie so I wouldn’t embarrass myself, at least in that way, and walked in the museum, I found the room for myself, opened the bag again, and loaded my pockets.

It started off in the usual way. A small group to begin. Often just a two people like last night. Starting off slow and easy but building momentum so that by the end of a few minutes we’re in full force with a momentum to carry through to the rest of the evening. I have to pick that first couple pretty carefully though. I found that if I don’t, if I pick the wrong group first, the ones who aren’t ready and are unsure, then whatever confidence needed to go through the rest of the night is lost. It’s so hard to get it back. But, if that first group will go with me, and be so much better having experienced your wonder, then I can ride that confidence to be certain in myself that evening. Last night started perfectly. A pair who was quiet but kind, joined after a few minutes by a louder energetic older couple. Laughter. Cheers. Applause. Done. Perfect. Check. Onto the next. Around then is when I spotted the other couple. Everyone else must have seen them by then. Even though they were dressed like everyone else was, tuxes and gowns, everyone notices celebrity. Especially when they’re both proper celebrity stars. A and M. Ok, I thought to myself, I’m sure the client will want to make sure they see me. I’m aware that selfishly I wanted to see them too. I wanted them to see me. They looked like they were in pretty full conversation with a few other guests so I thought I’d come to them later. Now in full force I worked larger groups. Longer sets. The laughter and cheers enough now to move from one group to the next effortlessly. No need to introduce myself. They wanted some of what they just heard. Great. That’s what I want too. They pull me in instead of me walking by, making eye contact with one of the group as if my accident, using that as my way in. Introducing myself first to them, then all the others. Followed by the competency statement. Skip all that for now? Done. Easy.

I looked back and saw A and M were in conversation with others now. Of course. They’re not going to have a private moment. There isn’t going to be an easy way in tonight unless I can get the client to introduce me to them. I’ve done it before and it worked great. But the client is so busy greeting everyone, acting as a good host, it’s just not going to happen. I’ll have to do this myself, I thought. It won’t be a gentle start, but it might be quick. With the confidence I’ve built through all the groups up to that point, I walked straight up. “I’m so sorry to interrupt. Mary sent me over.” (She hadn’t, but I needed something strong to stand on). “She’s so glad you’re here and wanted to make sure we met. I’m Alex. I’m actually a magician. Mary asked me to be here tonight as a way to celebrate. Let’s get started!” M squeals. “Yes! Oh my god I love this!” Great. Sigh of relief. Then I turned and saw A’s face. It’s as if I just asked him for a selfie, autograph, and for him to appear on a podcast all at once. He says nothing. Yikes. No good.

I start with her. Flash. Bam. No messing around. Climax One. She’s jumping up and down. Literally. He smiles but it goes away quick. He’s cold. I ask him to say stop as the cards fly by. “What? What do you want?” Moving forward now and a few more guests join, we’re up to five or six people now. Then, finally, at the end of the second piece, she realizes what’s happened and screams. Full on, loud as hell, screams. Then again. Then again. He realizes what’s happened in her hand and breaks. FINALLY. He’s laughing, pointing at the card in her hand. I got him. Ah. After all that noise the crowd has grown larger. We’re now at twenty or so. Enough to have a full huddle going on. Now that I have them, I switch to a slower gear to really be able to build up to the peak again. It’s just what we needed. Her scream has become infectious and taught all the others what to do. When they see magic now, they’ve taken her approach and scream, laugh, applaud wildly, and grab the person behind them to turn around too. It’s in the moment coming down after the third or fourth effect when A turns to M. He puts both of his hands out flat at waist height, palms to the ground, and says “This is amazing. This isn’t like that marker on the hand magic.”

Oh. Now his initial skepticism makes sense. I can see what happened. I don’t know if it was five years ago or sixth months ago but the scene is clear. In that short sentence and gesture, he recounted his experience with a poor magician, the effect he saw, and revealed he had figured out the method, likely because of the poor performance, with his hand gesture all at once. I couldn’t believe it. I was relieved but also so frustrated. Why was I upset when he was really saying how much better I was? Was it because it was obvious how rare and delicate our relationship is with you in that moment? I remembered doing research on the rising cards at Conjuring Arts in college and finding a passage from Bruno Delville over a hundred years ago. “Les Cartes Ascencionelles is a beautiful flower. Both rare and delicate and requiring like that vigilant care and appropriate place for existence.” A in that moment reminded me of whether I like it or not, how intertwined all the others are in with me. Not just the ones I admire and am amazed by. The other ones too. The ones who ruin it. I get that the trick with a marker gets a “good reaction.” But really, the classic ashes is inherently better. It’s built in drama, suspense, imagery, and mysticism come for free with the effect! The same ritual isn’t built into a Sharpie marker, no matter how much easier it is to carry in your breast pocket. But that’s all beside the point. He had seen a mediocre or bad magician. Not knowing this I couldn’t do anything other than what I do. There were no other tactics at play to combat his previous experience since it hadn’t been revealed to me yet. And in doing my thing, and doing it straight, he came over and left his previous experience behind.

If I have to share all these other lovers with you, can you get them to get out of our thing? Can you get them to care? Can you tell me when I’ve screwed it up myself? Or is that just not the agreement we have? If I get to benefit from the others- the ones who laid the groundwork, tamed your wild nature, taught me their way, showed me, allowed me a ride on their coattails- that I also have to accept take the detriment of others too? Is it all intertwined? I can’t have one without the other? Is that it? If that’s it, I’m still in. It’s well worth it. I just want you to tell me how it all works.

Alex

PS. I like when you still surprise me. That’s the best.